a christmas prayer...

God of irony
God of truth
in the advent and birth
of your helpless babe
help unsettle
our surest beliefs
topple our comforting idols
our best intentions
and raze our religious temples to the ground...

You who speak to us
through a baby’s ceaseless crying
his soft hand clutching at our fingers
bothering us through the night
we are baffled like clueless parents
insomnia-stricken
by Your revelation
a restless Child, such trouble in our hands
always a little more
than we could understand
a little more
than we could manage...

This Christmas
I say
“Be ye never complete;
be ever learning,
desiring and longing...
God is never found in perfection.
accept your brokenness,
those dark nights
those meaningless silences...
take all that life throws at you...
and let the chips fall
where they may;
trust Grace over karma...”

This is your life
His own flesh,
His own blood...
this Christmas
make us human,
make us your own...

sometimes a song could capture the current mood of your life... "what sarah said" by death cab for cutie has lingered on my mind for the last couple of months... the simple melody of the piano, the soothingly clear vocals of Ben Gibbard and his lyrical gift... this is an endearingly beautiful song...

it has new meaning now, since my granddad died on tuesday morning...

murakami said that some of us write because of pain...whether to numb it, avoid it, or as a way of facing it... i don't know... my thoughts and feelings are everywhere...and nowhere...

i think of him...he was surely one of the kindest person i've known in my life...i'm glad that i was back in malaysia for the last year of his life...he told me stories of his younger days, how he left china as a young man, lived in singapore, taiping, and finally settling in ipoh...i got to buy him coffee some days, when i visited him...ice-cream too...grandpa loved cornetto ice-cream...

somehow, i feel you're closer now, grandpa, than ever before... i can't explain why... we, and grandma, miss you terribly...

"What Sarah Said"

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?...

remembering grandpa...

for we are also those whom we've lost...

Ipoh, February 2004

How does one find true love in one’s lifetime? My best friend from college is getting married this Saturday… We went out for a drink… probably the last time I’m out with them as singles. I had my usual teh tarik kurang manis, while asking them all sorts of questions, just to get my facts right for the speech… “How did you feel when you first met him? What was your impression of him? What makes you proud that he’s your man?” “When did you make your first move? How did you propose? How did she react? What was it about her that so attracted you?” Thousand and one questions, to get to the heart of the matter : the mystery of nuptial love. Can lovers really know when it all began? I sincerely doubt so…Love sneaks up on you, when you least expected it…and when you’ve caught its disease, there’s no way you could recover…nor would want to, if you had your way…

Their deep friendship, their effortless connection with each other’s humanity, how they talked and listened to each other…I would not have believed that ‘soul-mates’ ever existed outside Hollywood films, if not for them, observing them up-close and personal…their most ordinary moments together, an epiphany that disarms even the most battle-hardened, love-forsaken cynic…

If I’d ever believed in miracles, there is one unfolding right before my very eyes…I’m so happy for the both of you =]