still down and about in petaling jaya...(as opposed to 'down and out' in pj... though i feel like that some days...)

these days, my consoling companion comes in the form and shape of Kierkegaard's Either/Or(a slightly abridged version I borrowed from Kairos)...my LRT reading, if you like...

the following quote of Kierkegaard's summarizes the absurdity and a certain amount of 'existential' worry that creeps up on me from time to time...

Marry, and you will regret it. Do not marry, and you will also regret it. Marry or do not marry, you will regret it either way. Whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the stupidities of the world, and you will regret it; weep over them, and you will also regret it. Laugh at the stupidities of the world or weep over them, you will regret it either way. Whether you laugh at the stupidities of the world or you weep over them, you will regret it either way. Trust a girl, and you will regret it. Do not trust her, and you will also regret it. Trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Whether you trust a girl or do not trust her, you will regret it either way. Hang yourself, and you will regret it. Do not hang yourself, and you will also regret it. Hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. Whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret it either way. This, gentlemen, is the sum of all practical wisdom.

either way, our lives must go on...however way we may choose to live it... e.m.cioran once said that it is the very possibility of suicide that keeps him from committing suicide...

the possibilities in life keeps me going, far more than it's certainties...for the moment, at least i could get some 'comic relief' from good old SK's Either/Or =] (as i leave this entry, i have a stupid smile on my face...you know, the kind of Kevin Spacey "I couldn't care less about what you think..." smile, that we saw in his characters in American Beauty and K-Pax... and i don't mean i am even half as good-looking as he is).

ps. my grandma is recovering well...thank you all for your prayers and concern...
most of all, thank god she's still a living, breathing buddhist...

been down in kuala lumpur for the last week or so... then got a call from my mum saying that grandma has been admitted for an op...got back to ipoh this morning, saw her about 2 hours ago...her condition is stable...her heart-rate is still a bit weak... will have to remain in the ICU for at least another day... hopefully she can be transferred to a normal ward in a day or two...

she is very weak, when i saw her...just held her hand, and spoke some words of comfort by her ear...she seemed at peace when i left...

what pisses me off (pardon my language) is what my mum told me of some of my "christian" relatives, who want to capitalise on this poor woman's crisis, make her say the 'sinner's prayer' and so notch up another 'salvation hit'. in my more patient mode, i can understand why we want to do this, this whole crisis evangelism thing... but i just feel it is so wrong...particularly in the case of my grandma...

she has always been a devout believer in Buddhism...prays the mantras...vegetarian...and goes to the temple... i respect her for her devotion and generosity as a human being... she told my mum, when my christian relatives are not around, that she is so afraid that they will forcefully make her a christian, since she is so weak to do anything...

worse thing is one of my relatives, now claims that she has accepted Christ...what bullshit!!! "Nope"...I spoke to her just now... I whispered in her ear, that if any of those relatives pesters her anymore, I'll give them a piece of my mind... I really didn't know what to say to her...I just held her hand, and told her Buddha's example would be her guide in this difficult time... She has heard too much of promises of her being healed, tied with the condition that she believes in Jesus... I couldn't make myself say that cliche christian statement, 'I'll pray for you...'

if only christians, all of us, would just put on Christ, practice kenosis, a self-emptying, to give her space as a Buddhist to face this ordeal...maybe then she can see the solidarity of Jesus in our agenda-less prayers and comforting presences by her bedside...